Yoga is a Way of Life. by Arielle Rabier

What does yoga mean to me? How has yoga enhanced my life?

When my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2018, I called my yoga teacher for guidance. After a philosophical discussion about dharma, it became clear my life’s duty was to support my father’s spirit through this transition. 

He was the one who sponsored my 200-hour Yoga Teacher Training in 2013 with Eoin Finn in Bali, Indonesia. It was because of my father that I gained the tools that would help me through this challenging time. As my heart broke from the cruelty that is cancer, I turned to my meditation cushion to feel the ache coursing through my veins. I read the Tibetan Book of the Dead and saw this life for what it is: Temporary.

At the same time, I was planning my wedding. The concept of “attachment vs. aversion” had become a daily practice; witnessing the attachment to pleasure and aversion to pain allowed me to zoom-out and experience my humanity and all complexities of life. I embraced the inevitability of death so that when he left his body, I was able to say goodbye.

I have chosen to devote my life to Yoga because Yoga saved my life. For every trauma, there is guidance and the journey is never-ending. After receiving my certification, I managed a yoga studio in the San Francisco Bay Area. I completed another 100-hour training in 2014 and quit my management position to focus on developing my craft: I read philosophy, formulated playlists to synchronize with asana sequences, and practiced inversions every day… if it wasn’t yoga, I didn’t want to do it.

I moved to Encinitas, California, in 2015 — where Yogananda created the Self-Realization Fellowship and wrote The Autobiography of a Yogi. In this magical beach town, my practice became my religion. I learned from amazing yoga teachers and led classes, retreats and teacher trainings all across North County San Diego. I achieved my dream!

And then COVID happened. My practice kept me sane; I created a “Morning Ritual” that I practiced every day. My spare bedroom transformed into a virtual yoga studio, and in this safe space I connected with my students, family, and friends with online classes. It had been a goal of mine to move onto a digital platform and the pandemic pushed me to take a leap of faith. I now have over 50 online classes you can find on youtube.com/arielleonyoga. Yoga is my lifeline to the outside world as I continue to stream weekly on Fridays.

I have since moved to Hawaii with my husband, dog, and adopted a kitten. My mother had a mental breakdown due to grief from my father’s passing and despite having a tumultuous relationship throughout my youth, I invited her to stay with me. Over the past six months, I have witnessed the healing practice of yoga, meditation and pranayama. This has been a “full-circle” moment for me, as if all along, my father prepared me to care for his beloved widow by supporting my yoga training.

The secrets of life are answered in the ancient teachings of yoga; I am simply living the questions.

This was written for my entry into the Yoga Warrior challenge, which takes place on March 9th, 2021. Please vote for me here and I could be featured in Yoga Journal Magazine and win $10,000!

Courage in the midst of Uncertainty by Arielle Rabier

On the first anniversary of my father’s death, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I found a quiet place to sit with my thoughts, opened up my journal and began to write. What came next was a series of experiences that culminated in a manifestation of the divine.  My intention was to be present and open to whatever feelings or thoughts were being transmitted in real-time; to let the light of wisdom shine, unobstructed from fear, judgement or reason. Ordinarily, we do not discover the wisdom of our feelings because we are too afraid to let them complete their work; with courage we can give up resisting them and allow the wisdom to emerge.

The feelings that arise during moments of fear and doubt are inescapable. You cannot ignore it or stuff it down if you wanted to. Your thoughts may run into the past or future, however, they cannot escape the present moment. Those thoughts are themselves of the moment, happening in real-time. The beauty of this ultimate Reality is that you can neither escape it nor catch it by pursuit; there is no coming toward it or going away from it. You are it. The only things to do is become who you are.

Patiently, the words appeared before me, filling one page and then another. A letter to my father; a list of things I found of his; an update on mom. There was a pause between each paragraph; I’d close my eyes and listen for the advice I was seeking while watching myself wriggle with discomfort and dis-ease, fighting the urge to flee my feelings. Eventually I was called to read a passage from my favorite philosopher, Alan Watt’s, The Parable of the Cow’s Tail. I read it aloud to my dad and imagined his energy in the room. By the last line I broke down in tears.

You can run wild, you can seek wisdom, you can ignore it, but you can’t diverge from the [one Reality].

I looked up and saw dad sitting across from me in the empty seat, his legs crossed like the photo I have of him from 1978, proudly displaying his new vinyl record by the French-Iranian artist Charles Aznavour. I retrieved his photo and saw the name of the title track was “Je n’ai pas vu le temps passer.”

What is this message my father was holding in his hands before me?

Translated, it reads, “I did not see the time pass by.”

In that I found the answer and guidance I was seeking. Wisdom that I would not have received if I hadn’t had the courage to sit with my feelings. I saw the time that had passed since he passed; 365 days of healing and growth. One day at a time turns to one year at a time, and through it all my father will always be with me.

Our feelings are wise; they are a harmonious and intelligent response to the course of events unfolding before us. Often times we do not discover the wisdom of our feelings because we do not let them complete their work. We fidget with the discomfort of vulnerability and the dis-ease of uncertainty, unable to sit with the truth. To surrender goes against our basic human instinct to control. Only when we relinquish control and listen with an open mind, will the wisdom of our emotions arise.

How My Father's Death Prepared me for the Pandemic. by Arielle Rabier

My father, Daniel Rabier, age 38 in 1978.

My father, Daniel Rabier, age 38 in 1978.

Life is unpredictable and full of uncertainty. The moment we accept this to be true is the moment we find freedom from that which we cannot control. We can’t control the pandemic or our government’s inability to protect us. We can choose to stay home and attempt to flatten the curve. We can control our ability to breathe deeply, we can control what information we invite into our mind, and what we choose to do with that information.

When my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2018, my family was told to “take it one day at a time.” As you likely recognize, this is easier said than done. Our minds search for answers that no one can provide; our natural human tendency is to anticipate the worst case scenario which causes our actions to be decided from a place of fear. However, being in the present moment is the only place where our healing can begin.

After spending one month in the Bay Area helping my father recover from his Whipple surgery, I remember sitting down on my meditation cushion asking the Universe, “what is the lesson in this? Why would you take away this person that I love, who brought me into this world and supported me throughout my thirty-three years of existence? This is cosmically f*cked up.” I had come to the conclusion that there was no reason for this to happen other than to gain life experience. We all go through loss at some point, and this was my first encounter with grief. Therein lies the lesson, I thought.

I couldn’t see it at the time, but now I know the life experience I gained using the practice of yoga to help process the loss of my father is also being used under quarantine every day. Now, my responsibility (my dharma) is to share these tools with my family, friends and community who are all struggling with anxiety and fears of the unknown.

The task is not to numb the feelings of sadness or uncertainty but rather identify the feelings and inquire how you know this to be true. Accept the feelings as they are, objectively and without searching for reason, then we can transform our experience. Only when we notice the tightness in our chest and difficulty breathing, will we mindfully breathe deeper. Only when we notice we are in denial can we come to terms with reality. The task is to witness when our emotions drive our actions irrationally and instead pause, accept, and choose a compassionate response.

In that moment, on my meditation cushion, I began my inquiry the same way I always do. By asking my Self, “are you there, conscious mind?”. This mental shift allows me to be the narrator of my story, the observer, rather than the victim. Now, it is important to recognize that our ego is always concerned with its own annihilation and will do what is needed to survive, leading to thoughts of fear, scarcity and lack. Our conscious mind, on the other hand, is made up of energy that continues throughout all eternity; this version of you is simply curious about the human experience and is unafraid of dying. Learn to identify as this conscious version of yourself and you will know no suffering. Approach the pandemic from the perspective of your conscious mind and you will no longer act out of fear.

I imagine my conscious mind responding sweetly, “yes, I am here.”

“What do you see?” I ask.

After scanning my body, breath, emotions and thoughts, She replies,

“I see a human who is suffering.”

“How do you know this human is suffering?” I inquired further. 

My witness-consciousness observed heaviness in my chest, as if a pile of bricks were pressing on my sternum. The back of my eyes felt tense, almost achy, they just needed to weep and release. So I started to cry. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was feeling in my tummy, so I placed my palms there; the stomach is our emotional center and it is wise, so I listened. It felt like my guts were ripped open and pouring out of me; I needed support and comfort. Sitting there, with my arms wrapped around myself, I cradled my humanity and accepted my vulnerability.

My father will die someday.

And so will I. 

That was the shift I needed to accept my grief and the circumstances of my life. I realize this sadness is wrapped in love, for if I didn’t love my father then I wouldn’t mourn his loss so much. I am grateful for the thirty-three years He chose to spend with me on Earth and the lessons that I learned, which are mine forever. Gratitude filled the void I had been cradling in my belly as I was thankful for the tools of awareness. At that moment I knew my father had prepared me for this “cosmically f*cked up” life experience. He sponsored my yoga teacher training and without these tools I would be drowning in misery.

Now, I want to share these tools with you.

First, identify what you are feeling. Name the feeling and inquire about how you know this to be true; what evidence do you have? How do you know this is what you are feeling? Where in your body are you experiencing this emotion? When I stopped to listen to the questions I had been asking the Universe, I realized they were laced with denial.

Second, accept the feelings and thoughts for what they are: feelings and thoughts. Which we know are always changing; feelings change, thoughts change, everything is impermanent. You can trust that this too shall pass. With that in mind, allow yourself to sit in the muck, the embodied interpretation of your feelings and thoughts. Whatever we resist only pushes back stronger; the more we dig our heels in, the more we are met with obstacles and suffering. I must accept that my father is sick and will die. I also had to accept that my wedding, which I had just begun planning in France, will be complicated by this uncertainty, which only aided in my anxiety. Therefore, I must accept that my father is sick AND that I am getting married. That is all.

Once you have identified your feelings and accepted them, your third task is to view them objectively. It is human nature to search for meaning and/or reason for everything. The mind loves to complicate matters and bundle experiences together and look for the missing link -- we are trying to make sense of it all. Just like my dad, who was trying to figure out why he got cancer. Even if there was a reason, it wouldn’t really matter anyway. Stop looking for reasons or excuses. There is no point in making sense of the senseless. Remove the personal attachment and act from a place of acceptance; my wedding was moved to Monterey and he still wasn’t able to attend, so David and I got married in my parent’s backyard.

Our ability to transform is only possible once we accept the circumstances of our life and remove the drama; this is the fourth step in grieving mindfully. Be patient with this one; transformation is only possible after you’ve processed your thoughts and feelings, which could take minutes or months. With this curious, yet objective, perspective we can dance with the ebb and flow of our emotions without letting them direct our actions.

When we operate from the conscious mind we will have the courage needed to embrace the greatest mystery of life: Death. My transformation began when I realized that the preciousness of life is matched by the acceptance of death. This inspired my 2020 intention of courage; I want to live my life with death in mind; to never take life for granted and pursue my dreams knowing that one day they will fizzle away into a distant memory and it doesn’t really matter anyway. In the process of taking risks I am acting from a place of courage so that when my time comes one day, I can curiously and courageously transcend to the next plane.

I hope this helps. I’d like to leave you with a few articles that have inspired me, please feel free to share your inspirations with me as well. We’re all just walking each other home, as Ram Dass says. Stay safe and stay home.

Xo, Ari

That Discomfort You Are Feeling is Grief by Scott Berinato - Harvard Business Review

Coronavirus Has Upended Our World. It’s OK To Grieve by Stephanie O’Neill - NPR

Don’t Make Yourself A Project: Why The Pandemic Isn’t The Time For Self-Improvement by Aubree Brown - Elephant Journal

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